Talk:Love Potion No.7/@comment-31.53.4.167-20111125001952

I think it's good that you quite clearly have a plot for this story. There's a definite beginning, middle and end and you tend to get straight to the point and not tack on loads of unecessary subplots.

That being said I hope you don't mind some constructive critique. Firstly, I feel that the canon characters act fairly OOC. You'd possibly be better using your own characters or friends characters in your story. I understand that some of the actions and dialogue were needed to advance the plot, but rather than changing the personalities of the original characters I'm sure people would respond better if you created your own to fit these personalities.

You have quite a bad habit of telling rather than showing. This story reads more like a wikipedia summary of a story rather than an actual story itself. Try to describe more rather than just saying, for example:

'The ghouls are seen at their lockers talking about their plans for the weekend until Bram deVein comes over to Zelda and asks her out. Zelda says yes and then he leaves. This leaves the ghouls confused because they thought he was dating Gorey then they just suggest that they broke up'

Could become: 'The Ghouls were standing by their lockers, excitedly discussing their plans for the weekend when Bram de Vein suddenly interrupted their discussion. Abruptly he took a hold of Zelda's arm, pulling her aside and whispering something in her ear. "Yes!" Zelda squeaked in joy, a bright smile on her face. Bram looked between her and her friends before quickly scurrying away, leaving Zelda to explain the situation to the others. "He just asked me out!" She announced, her voice brimming with enthusiasm. Her friends exchanged confused and skeptical looks; wasn't Bram de Vein already dating Gorey?'

You see how that tells the same story, but there's more detail on the characters emotions and actions rather than just: 'She did this, then he did this and they thought this and she said this.'

I hope that this will maybe help you for any future stories you decide to write. Good luck!