Hilda Dew's Clawsmas Diary

Cover
Clawsmas isn't a season. It's a feeling. Embrace that feeling and put my diary down. Please.

December 11th
Oh. My. Ghoul. I am freaking out. Oh my ghoul...

...and I’m hyperventilating and freaking out. Oh wait, I think I've already written that once, never mind that.

Today as Cain and I were fanging out at the Coffinbean, he held me close in a way that almost made me think I could feel warmth from him and then he said the three scariest words I know:

“I love you.”

Oh my ghoul, no one had ever said that to me before so I didn't know what to do. I panicked and stared at him like an idiot for a few very long second. His golden eyes shining at me and then I just ran out of the Coffinbean, out of the Maul and I didn't stop until I was in the middle of the forest outside of town. There I realized that I was completely alone but I don’t like to be alone anymore.

Oh my ghoul...

December 12th
Today I tried my best to hide from, no, I mean avoid Cain. I don’t dare to face him yet. Honestly I don't think I deserve to face him. I am so ashamed of myself, I don’t know what to do.

After Home Ick while I was making my way to my locker I saw him and panicked. I ran into the bathroom and stormed into one of the stalls. I don’t know how long I sat there, half an hour maybe. Just staring at it purple walls trying to make sense in way to messy thoughts.

Eventually I got a text from Angie wondering where I were. I guess I missed Art Class today. I ignored it from quite sometime but caved in after a couple of minutes. Angie was outside the stall in no time, guess she has kind of an advantage being able to fly over the croads of monsters. I don’t know what it is about Angie but even though she is shorter and looks so young you just feel so safe in her arms. Like the world suddenly becomes a better place when she hugs you. So I told her everything and she sat quietly holding my hand and when I started to cry so did she.

Why is this so hard for me?

December 14th
Tori, Angie and I went to the Maul after school today. I really needed to relax a bit and this was just the thing. Angie and Tori was going on and on about the Clawsmas Costume Dance. Tori is part of the Dance Committee and this year she was put in charge of the Clawsmas Dance. I could never do something like to that, too much things that needs to work out perfectly all while at the same time instructing monster what to do. But Tori loves it, no wonder, since she a terrorfic leader. Sometimes I wish I could be more like her.

This dance Tori had managed to get the committee to make it a couples only dance. Great...

Angie had already had several guy coming up to her with a large variety of pick up-lines asking her to the dance and Tori was going with some guy from the committee. I’m not sure if she got to chose that herself but I wouldn't be surprised, she’ll probably go around shouting orders all night.

While we stopped at our favourite cafe when we were done, sharing a Casketberry pie as always. It was filled with Clawsmas decorations and even small Clawsmas tree-shaped cookies And then Tori finally ask it “So you and Cain are going to the dance together, right?”

Honestly, I don’t know...

December 15th
I talked to Cain for the first time since IT happened today.

Of course it was awkward but overall he seemed very understanding. In fact if I were in his shoes I don't know if I would have been that understanding. He knows that this is a big deal for me so he said he'll try to make it easier for me... but I'm not sure that he did.

He said that he won't bother me in any way until the Dance. Not talk to me, not text me, nothing and then at the dance I will meet him at midnight and tell him what which conclusion I've reached.

I feel so incredibly selfish right now. All this time I’ve been running around panicking over what he said that I completely forgot to stop and think about how he must be feeling. I completely stood him up, he opened his heart to me and what did I do... Oh, that’s right I ran away.

I just feel like lay in my bed, stuff my face with chocolate-dipped slaughter-berries and listen to One Dissection latest album on repeat.

December 18th
Somehow it was easier to be away from Cain when I was trying to avoid him but now I just feel empty. Like a part of me is missing. My playlist is currently a mess of classic love songs and death-metal. I haven't felt this lost since I first arrived at Monster High.

I miss his eyes, I miss his smile, I miss the way he’d hold me close and make all my troubles go away.

I miss his little laugh and his golden eye shimmering in the sunlight.

I miss the way I felt when I was around him. I think I’m going insane without him.

I think I love him but why can’t I tell him that? What’s wrong with me?!

December 20th
Today was Shooker practice and I think that the other ghouls notices that something was up with me.

I've never been an aggressive person but apparently frustration can make you do things very un-you. The snow outside forces us to play inside, not half as fun as outside, and Tori makes us do all kinds deep core muscle exercises. Normally I fall dead after a couple of minutes but today I never gave up, I just kept going, hardly even noticed that the other stopped and stared at me.

December 22th
Sometimes you've got to admit that you can’t handle certain thing on your own so I give up.

Tori is one of my closest ghoulfriends but still we never spend much time talking about our feelings. I guess that if it wasn't for Angie neither of us would ever learn to open up. Today, however I needed to break that habit because as much as I know that Angie loves to help me I fell that I need help to be strong right now and the strongest ghoul I know is Tori. And that means that I needed Tori's help.

Of course she was busy preparing the decorations in the gym so I decided to help her out and borrow her wisdom during one of the breaks. And maybe I need to keep myself busy for a few hours for some peace of mind.

I think I was to some help before Tori called a 15 minute break. I took a chance and asked if we could just take a walk. So I told her everything, how I felt, all my thoughts, just everything. I must have talked for 15 minutes straight because by the time we’d return to the gym Tori had hardly said a word.

As the rest of the committee called out for her and asked her to return she turned to me, smiled and said.

“Don’t worry, you love him, trust me. Go home, take a long bath, get a good nights sleep. Trust me, trust him, trust yourself and I’ll see you tomorrow.” (So I did do all that and it actually helped)

And then she muttered something weird as she hurried back into the gym... “hasn't Angie told her yet?”

Wonder what that was supposed to mean... Odd...

December 23th
Today was the day of the dance. Tori did a great job as expected, you could hardly recognize the gym. It was a boo-tiful Winter Wonderland, she was really remarkable.

Angie helped me get ready and in lack of a better explanation I’d say that she performed a Clawsmas Miracle, I felt more boo-tiful than ever. I won’t say that I enjoyed the dance before midnight. I went through what I was going to say at least a hundred times in my head and hardly was much company to Angie and her date. I haven’t ask her about what Tori mumbled the other day, I’m sure she'll tell me when she feels that the time is right.

As the clock closed in on me Tori got up on stage with a microphone calling everybody's attention “Ghouls and Mansters, may I remind you that there’s one minute left to midnight and with it Clawsmas Eve. So if all you guys would take your lady’s hand and join us in the last dance of the day, but not of the night of course, on the dancefloor!” she proclaimed to the gym filled with monsters.

When I looked out over the dancefloor it was as if he had rematerialized out of thin air and I felt an complete relief as he reached his hand to me and met my eyes. Still as golden as ever. Tori dimmed the lights and the gym roof lit up with what seemed like millions of tiny light or maybe it was the roof that had fallen down. I doubt that I’d noticed it. I had my sight locked on HIM.

When we were less then an arms length away from each other it looked as if he planned to say something. Unfortunately for him he never got a chance to say anything because I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him right on the lips as the schoolbells chimed midnight. After that none of us moved in what felt like forever, just him mere presence was intoxicating. When I finally got out for air still with my arms around him I took a deep breath, looked him straight in to the golden eyes I held so dear and said it. I said it, I really said it.

“I love you, Cain Athan. I love you more and more everyday and I never ever want to be apart from you like this. I am so sorry. And I... I just... always what to be your side, you know, if you still want me there, if you still love me back... ”

And he just stood there smiling his crooked smile, showing of his white fangs, saying nothing but then he kissed me and it seemed as if we never were apart in the first place. I love him.